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Showing up and reconnecting

Dear friends, it’s been been far too long since I’ve posted here. There are a number of things that I’ve been wanting to share for months, but I’ve gotten to a stage of grieving where the days blur together and I go weeks and months without getting important things done. Life without Michelle has become familiar… but I still hate it. And so many of my "to-dos" are connected in some way with Michelle, triggering grief just imagining taking them on. Often this makes me want to check out emotionally, or at least makes me feel overwhelmed. Added up over the hours, this leads to extended episodes of listlessness and apathy.


In my head, I had set a goal of keeping this blog focused on cannabis & cancer, as well as other things about Michelle. I didn’t want to fill it up with my own journey through grief. I ambitiously imagined setting up a separate blog to tell my own story, but there were enough complicated setup decisions that I never got started. So now it's months later, and I haven't written at all.


But here I am today, right now.


This past week a woman reached out to me asking advice on behalf of her sister who has ovarian cancer. She had seen the movie, and the announcement of Michelle’s death, and was wondering what Michelle had done since the end of the movie. That led me to re-reading, for the first time, the last two years of the blog, to see what Michelle had and hadn’t said about that time. It was a heartrending read. But there were some important gaps (mostly intentional) and teasers of things to come. Those are what I will be writing about over the coming weeks. Keep your eye on this space!


Thank you, Diane, for giving me the impetus to re-engage!


I’m writing this while having breakfast at the neighborhood bakery, Bree’Osh. They also have great bread!


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Michelle's obituary is now online at the Santa Barbara Independent, and will be in this week's print issue. I wanted to share here an earlier draft, which proved to be too long for the paper, but has