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a dark and perilous time .....

It has been a dark and perilous year of quarantine and isolation for everyone. Coupled with my long fight against Porlock and topped off with a desperate month of taking insane amounts of Cannabis in a last ditch effort to shrink my cancer. Good riddance to 2020. All over SoCal, ICU beds are full, ambulances were turned away from LA area hospitals yesterday and I hear helicopters landing at Cottage hospital heliport every day. I have the terrible timing of entering the last leg of my cancer battle in the middle of a full blown public health crisis. The pandemic has scrambled and limited access to my oncologist, complicated any clinical trials or treatment at UCLA and made this, likely my last year, a very a dark and perilous time. Let us hope 2021 brings better health for all and Cannabis miracles.


I was feeling great in November, lulled into skipping morning doses and trying to live large and a bit more sober. I was skimping on the THC with the hope of clarity and focus to write my memoir, sleuth around in PubMed or work on the movie. Taking 100gm THC, even when habituated, creates an intense state of dreaminess that makes it very difficult to concentrate. I got greedy, I want this miracle to be easier! Dr. Bonni kept telling me, it takes lots of Cannabis to trigger the apoptosis. I hope she is right and it was just my skimpy dosing that let the tumor get going. For the past 5 weeks I have taken as much as I can, more than is sustainable really, 100mg daily. If that does not shrink the tumor, well I'm at a loss.


If my tumor marker goes up? Then I think my time if very short. In the past 3 weeks I have increasing tugging, pulling, and weird pains in my upper abdomen. I hope I can keep going long enough for the pandemic to really wind down so I can visit with far flung friends and family I have not been able to spend time with.


If my tumor marker falls? Then we know the high dose Cannabis is working. That would be a wonderful miracle. I am off to RTCC. I will add tumor results to this post in a few hours. Check back tomorrow.


I am devastated, my CA shot up to over 400. I have a PET scan and needle biopsy the week after next, my case goes to tumor board for discussion and chemo to follow. I have been reluctant to asked the question, but given the pandemic and travel issues, I thought it was important to ask. How much time do I have left? She was hesitant to give an answer before my scan and tumor board discussion, but since my tumor burden is light, and has not compromised my organ function yet, she thought a year. This was nice to know I should last long enough to see the pandemic taper off. I hope to see all of you, my wonderful supportive friends and family, as soon as we are able to gather.

I enjoy tending our winter veggies.




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7 Kommentare


robincbrady
robincbrady
05. Jan. 2021

You’re in my thoughts, Michelle. ♥️

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Temmo Korisheli
Temmo Korisheli
02. Jan. 2021

Hi Michelle! Thank you for sharing this difficult update -- it's good to know what you are going through, so we can journey together with you. I hope 2021 and cannabis bring you a joyful miracle. Happy New Year wishes to you and Bruce! xoxo

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Maria C
31. Dez. 2020

Michelle, I know this is not the news you were looking for. I am glad they are discussing chemo. I know it is so difficult to take, but it means they think you might have options. Anxiously awaiting what the tumor board has to say. Also, I am hopeful that as your family and friends are vaccinated, visits will be possible sooner rather than later, at least for some. In the meantime, know that we are all right here by your side, propping you up through these scary times. You are still my hero, my firebrand, and you always will be no matter what. Big hugs. M

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Maria C
31. Dez. 2020

I'm envious of all those beautiful veggies! We had snow until it rained on it.

I am sending you many healing thoughts. You are doing well. Here's an incantation for you: Abbracadabra, Alakazoo, bad old Porlock get out of you! :-) Love Love Love M

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camignone
30. Dez. 2020

Hi Michelle, Your writing, your determination and your vegetables are all beautiful! Hoping that those tugs are from tumor shrinking. Hugs from across town, Cherie Mignone

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