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The Patient Patient

Wednesday morning I was on the surgery table, drifting through a light anaesthesia with memories of family luaus, coral reefs, and manta rays sloshing in my head.  What a lovely Hawaiian adventure.  Thank you, Mom, Jim, and Donna for traveling with us. 

And thanks to the crew of Uncruise for an amazing week. How is it possible? -- last week I was kayaking and snorkeling but this week I wake from surgery after having a port "installed."  I don't know how to make sense of this reality.  The boundary between health and wellness from disease and illness is territory I am still, after 3 years, learning to navigate.   


I have been VERY reluctant to get a port.  Every time a port was mentioned, during a difficult blood draw or infusion, I had a visceral reaction- NO!  I much prefer being stuck 3 or 4 times than having a freakish bionic alien inserted in my chest.  This week I was thinking about why I was so reluctant to agree to the port.  It isn't the vanity; I don't care about the scar.  And it's not worry over the very minor procedure.  I didn't want the intimate and physical daily reminder.  The port feels like an invasion, like a tether, tying me to treatments and illness.  Most of all I am scared I will never be done with treatment, never have a time I don't need a port.  I am afraid I will live the rest of my life with this port and die with it in my chest.  I hate that.  So I am struggling with how to accept my reality of new limits yet still feel powerful, with agency for my life and happiness.  I will work on that.  And will try and make friends with my new port.  Maybe we should name her?  I'm open to suggestions.  

We were hoping for a "Porlock battle plan briefing" yesterday.  But we are in a holding pattern, waiting to hear from my surgeon, Dr. Anna Rodrigues.  It is human instinct to rush to treatment.  Since I am asymptomatic and feeling well there is no reason to rush for surgery.  In fact, treating too soon just bring the next occurrence sooner, trading away a month, or two or three when I am healthy.  I will be a patient patient.  I promise to give updates in a week or two, as soon as my treatment plan is set.  For now, I am to stay busy and have fun -- Dr. Sekhon's orders.  

hugs to all, 


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