Wednesday morning I was on the surgery table, drifting through a light anaesthesia with memories of family luaus, coral reefs, and manta rays sloshing in my head. What a lovely Hawaiian adventure. Thank you, Mom, Jim, and Donna for traveling with us.
And thanks to the crew of Uncruise for an amazing week. How is it possible? -- last week I was kayaking and snorkeling but this week I wake from surgery after having a port "installed." I don't know how to make sense of this reality. The boundary between health and wellness from disease and illness is territory I am still, after 3 years, learning to navigate.
I have been VERY reluctant to get a port. Every time a port was mentioned, during a difficult blood draw or infusion, I had a visceral reaction- NO! I much prefer being stuck 3 or 4 times than having a freakish bionic alien inserted in my chest. This week I was thinking about why I was so reluctant to agree to the port. It isn't the vanity; I don't care about the scar. And it's not worry over the very minor procedure. I didn't want the intimate and physical daily reminder. The port feels like an invasion, like a tether, tying me to treatments and illness. Most of all I am scared I will never be done with treatment, never have a time I don't need a port. I am afraid I will live the rest of my life with this port and die with it in my chest. I hate that. So I am struggling with how to accept my reality of new limits yet still feel powerful, with agency for my life and happiness. I will work on that. And will try and make friends with my new port. Maybe we should name her? I'm open to suggestions.
We were hoping for a "Porlock battle plan briefing" yesterday. But we are in a holding pattern, waiting to hear from my surgeon, Dr. Anna Rodrigues. It is human instinct to rush to treatment. Since I am asymptomatic and feeling well there is no reason to rush for surgery. In fact, treating too soon just bring the next occurrence sooner, trading away a month, or two or three when I am healthy. I will be a patient patient. I promise to give updates in a week or two, as soon as my treatment plan is set. For now, I am to stay busy and have fun -- Dr. Sekhon's orders.
hugs to all,
Michelle
